Sunday, March 15, 2009













I went. It was beautiful. I saw elk and a condor. I went for 2 days. I rode the shuttle from one end of the south rim to the other. I hiked on the Bright Angel trail. I went to the Petrified Forest and the Painted Desert. I have dirt on my boots from Florida, New Mexico, and Arizona.

Friday, January 23, 2009

New Blog

I have a new blog. Find it from my profile page on this site. 

I Have Seen You

I have no use
No use for people who won’t listen
Who won’t bend
Who won’t be open
Who lie and deny
Themselves and each other and me

Never seen anything like it
Never care to again
So I won’t

A loud, proud, self-righteous proclamation
“I won’t listen because I don’t want to hear it”
(verbatim)

Do you hear yourself, even? Let alone anyone who speaks
An ugly truth

I wish I could live in such denial
Keep the façade of ‘Everything is Great’
Even after the lights go off 
And there is no one there to pretend for
Pretend so hard that it becomes
Impossible to distinguish

Just another false reality for someone

Or…do you? In the darkest hours...can you keep it away?

I can’t

No matter how hard I try

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The End

I am not blogging here any more. Sorry. If you haven't already, join Facebook and find me there...I will be writing notes there from now on.
Have to keep the riff-raff away.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I know

Lots of people love me. I appreciate the outpouring I have received, especially a nice room for a few nights. Thank you to everyone who has called, texted, emailed, Facebooked, prayed, and everything else. It has made a huge difference. I am in a much better frame of mind today..still not great, and still crushed by deception and betrayal, but better. Probably because I had a warm bed to sleep in last night and a good long hot shower.
I start work for Papa John's again later today. Hopefully I can deliver but I might have to work inside until I get a NM driver's license. Either way I will be doing something. I delivered for them before in Florida and actually made decent money (and cash tips don't hurt either) so I am looking forward to it. And not having to spend every bit of money I make every day on a crappy hotel room will help immensely.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Slight Revamp

All I remember from my childhood is my father beating me, and my mother telling me to go away and leave her alone. The only reason I was born was because she wanted to do something first before her sister. Then, she was so thrilled to be pregnant that she had electro-shock therapy while she was pregnant with me. No one else in the history of the world has been stupid or selfish enough to do that to their unborn child as far as I have been able to find. Then, once I was born, I was blamed for every problem in the family, particularly if she was upset...even though she was mentally ill herself and it had been running in the 'family' for years. My fathers favorite thing to yell at me while he was beating me was that I was making my mother sad. There's only so many times a 4 year old can hear that under those circumstances before it becomes the truth for them....but I would really like to know how it is a 4 year olds fault that her mother is mentally ill.

I asked them for help with my rent for one more month after my surgery this summer, but they wouldn't do it. They said they couldn't afford to help me. Now, they are planning another big vacation for themselves for this Christmas. I guess they are going to pay for it with the money they didn't have to help keep me from being homeless.

Things are not always what they appear to be. Al and Martha are two of the most phony, selfish, materialistic people I have ever known.

I am not on 'vacation' here in New Mexico. I was trying to get to the Grand Canyon where I was going to jump off the edge but I didn't have enough gas money to make it there. They knew that I already tried to kill myself a few weeks ago by overdosing but they didn't care about that either.

So I don't want everybody fawning over the two of them at my funeral...if they even bother to go. They are by far the most selfish people I have ever had the misfortune to meet in my miserable life.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Good...maybe

Well...something has happened...not sure if it's good or not but it is worth blogging about, I guess..


I have gone off on a really crazy binge again. The proverbial straw shattered into a hundred pieces and I left the cesspool called Jacksonville on Thursday afternoon. My plan was to go to the Grand Canyon but I ran out of steam in Albuquerque, NM. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. It is a nice city, beautiful scenery, and a world apart from everything I have known. I know a lot of you won't understand...I know some of you will be mad...and I'm sorry. I also know you can't run away from your problems, and that's not what I'm trying to do...I just really needed a change of scenery and (a)nother fresh start. So here I am.

It feels like I was supposed to be here the whole time.


It's been an interesting few days to say the least. I found God (not in the life-altering way, but the, 'there he is again' way) at this little store in Fort Sumner...I wanted to sell a $25 Barnes and Noble gift card for $20..and the woman who runs this little store insisted on giving me $30 for it. Saved me in more ways than she knows.



Views from the drive. Anyone who has been out here knows that the pictures don't do it justice.





My phone is still on for receiving calls for the time being but I don't know how long that will last. I also have a card to get online for an hour or so at the local public libraries here so email is always an excellent way to get in touch with me if you want...it will just take me a little longer to get back to you now. Until I make a payment on my phone, my data services are off.
I am hoping to come back to visit in a month or so to get my stuff. I will keep everyone posted. You all take care and wish me luck...








Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Obama

I said I'd blog again when something good happened. Here you go. Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States of America. Thank God for large miracles.

I am so proud to have worked at the polls yesterday. I arrived at 6am and helped set up polling booths and tables, signed official election documentation (I was an inspector and 'board member', how cool is that???), and started reviewing my section of registration documents and marking off everyone who had voted early, which was 56% here in Duval county. There was a pretty significant line outside at 7am, people waited I think up to about 40 minutes. That was as busy as we got all day! I guess since I was a first time poll worker, they put me at a teeny tiny little easy precinct, 04T. It was at the Windy Hill Community Center on Anders St. here in Jax. That was quite a relief to see...I scoped out the location the day before to make sure I knew where I was going. The building is about the size of a small house.
I was an inspector; I handled everyone with a last name starting with A-E that came in to vote. I verified their registration against my list, checked identification, sent people with any issues to the help desk, answered questions, and handed out the actual ballots, complete with fancy secrecy folders, to each person. There was a little bit of confusion at my location; there were actually 2 precincts in the same tiny building, and many people's actual voter registration cards had the incorrect precinct listed on them; I had to send almost half of everyone who came to me, to the other side of the building, including one half of a married couple, who lived together at the same address! She voted on my side, but her husband had to go to the other side...weird. And many of the people who came to me had already been to the other side. But that didn't seem to cause any hard feelings or big issues throughout the day, either. There was only one big bubba at the beginning of the day who got irate because he had to walk an extra 100' to the other side to vote; there was a deputy in the kitchen (which was right next to me, go figure..) and I kinda grabbed his attention when I saw the guy escalating...fortunately the guy went ahead and just went to the other side and voted. And fortunately I didn't have to interact with him at all.
As far as I saw, only two people all day did not vote after arriving; one was a young woman who was referred to the help desk because of an address discrepancy (which was easily remedied by going to the help desk and filling out a form). She wasn't mad; seemed to me like she was very reserved and was scared of people and uncomfortable being there in the first place. Don't know how I would be able to detect that off of someone who I didn't even speak to... But anyway..she said she was going to go and we all encouraged her to not to, that it was easy to fix and it would just take a second, but she left anyway. That made me a little sad. That's me sometimes. Not capable of dealing for another single second. Been there and done that. And there was one gentleman at the very end of the evening who was listed as 'ineligible' on the registration roster. Of course he went to the help desk...they did everything they could for him, and he really didn't fight it very hard...he and the precinct manager talked for a minute or two but the gentleman just went ahead and left. He wasn't nasty at all either. I think he probably knew what the issue was and decided to just be decent and not make a stink about it.
That was my biggest worry about yesterday. Based on all the things I'd heard, I was afraid of having to deal with a lot of people who had been in line for 2 hours, were having all kinds of problems, etc. but it wasn't bad at all...everyone was pleasant and happy. Everyone was proud and excited to be there. And the people I worked with were great! That made all the difference; even those people who did have small issues or discrepancies were handled politely and in a positive, reassuring manner and that made all the difference. That and the 56% early voting rate. We had fun and laughed all day, and of course there was plenty of food and drinks and Halloween candy. Three guesses as to who brought the Halloween candy. Personally I sampled the Krispy Kremes and coffee in the morning, homemade chili, homemade red rice and sausage and shrimp, and a slice of pizza at lunch. Plus some Halloween candy.
SO many young people (kids to me, any more, but I don't want to disrespect..) were there, and proud that it was their first time voting. Telling us it was as they came up. It was great to see. People of all kinds of backgrounds, ages, etc. doing their thing and it was a great atmosphere. Oh and one lady who came to the desk thanked us all first thing for being there. That was really really nice. I think she thought we were unpaid volunteers, but it was a nice thank you anyway, and I would have done it anyway even if it was an unpaid thing. So we smiled and thanked her for her thanks. Nice.
I was very happy to see that at least at the precinct I was at, things were done according to the law and in an orderly and efficient manner, in a very laid back but supportive and professional environment. I was surprised and excited to see that I was able to see the complete results of my precinct at the end of the night; as a board member, I had to sign off on the ballot machine ticker tape in the morning as 0's and at the totals at the end of the evening. The precinct I was at was in a neighborhood that voted 2 to one for McCain. I commented to fellow poll workers (the ones I knew agreed with me, which was almost all of them), 'Don't worry; this is a podunk little redneck neighborhood and it will come out in the wash.' Sure as heck did!!!!! And I am proud and happy to have done it no matter how the voters at my location went; I participated and did what I could to ensure fairness and honesty in what I did, and that is all that mattered to me. It certainly worked out well. And...we all got to leave around 8pm after packing up the machines and signing off on stuff and everything. Not bad at all.
Couple of funny things...one young gentleman with his bling and baggy shorts and corn rows and graphic jersey...and pink glittery bedroom slippers over black knee socks. And there was one write-in ballot submitted at our location: someone put down Biden/Palin. Not quite sure what they were thinking, but it was documented and handled correctly and turned in at the end of the night. Oh and was there ever some eye candy there! And the best one of the day came back twice!!! And talked to the lady next to me!!! And me by default :-) Nice. She noticed him first! Of course they were all too young for me..but it was nice to see. Especially Mr. Bodybuilder blue shirt man. Wow. I actually had a hot flash while he was there (both times); that was the finest man I have seen since before my surgery, I guess. I told the lady next to me about it later, and we cracked up and spent the rest of the day commenting on the hot guys. It was great. I normally don't even like the bodybuilder types but this one had a really nice face and demeanor to go along with it...hehe. It was the day of hot guys and great bags, too. Lots of chicks had really cool bags. Oh and one hoochie came in! Acid washed jeans short shorts, a black tank top that didn't make it down to anywhere near the top of the shorts, and black fuzzy knee boots with heels. And all of these items were two sizes too small, she was poofing out a little (or a lot) everywhere around the edges. Muffin top, as it were. Perfect voting attire. I didn't notice her bag.

Matt Lauer said this morning that for a first time voter this time around, it must have felt like getting a hole in one the first time you ever pick up a golf club. That really does sum it up for me. I am so glad that a majority of America was smart enough to see through the mud slinging and fearmongering and outright lies and deception. I am glad America got motivated to do what we needed to get some change. And I am glad I participated. And let me say this: unlike many bitter, nasty McCain fans (and I have already encountered a couple of them, both in person and online..good grief) I am very happy with the results, but if things had gone the other way, I would be OK with it. It wouldn't have been the end of the world some closed-minded, unenlightened people would have us believe that Obama being president will be. I think McCain would have been an OK president if he had put a little more thought into his VP pick, and won. Not a great president, not my choice regardless of VP pick, but OK. I think he has very misguided but good intentions...we all know what the road to hell is paved with, don't we?
I have the utmost respect and appreciation for McCain's military career and service to our country and the time he spent as a prisoner of war and all of that. I truly do. He is a guy I might want to fight a war for us. But Obama is the guy I want, to keep us from going to war in the first place, and get us out of some of the situations we are in now, and straighten out the healthcare and pharmaceutical fiasco we currently have, and the financial issues that need to be fixed, and the rampant corruption and a hundred other things.
I think Obama will be one of the best presidents we have ever had. I would have been disappointed, VERY disappointed if McCain had won, but quite honestly my life is always going stink no matter who is president. I would still have all the problems I have now, just as everyone else would, no matter who won. It's really not going to help me much personally on the level that I need help on, and the little help it would have brought me will come a year or so too late, but it is one of the best things that has happened for the United States, ever, and I am thrilled for that and for how this historic event will improve life and world relations for future generations of Americans.

Have this many people around the world been so happy about a president being elected that they are brought to tears and celebrations on a scale that has never been seen? Doubt it. I still have goosebumps. My Obama t-shirt finally came day before yesterday...can't wait to proudly wear it all day today and go celebrate with like-minded friends tonight. This is the best thing that has happened in years.

In other news....

If you do something that hurts someone, you should apologize. Even if what you did was inadvertent. This applies to two people in particular, and they know exactly who they are. If you have any doubt at all about who it is, it's not you, so don't worry and don't feel bad. If it is you, well...if you do something that hurts someone, you should apologize. Maybe you should try to apologize before it is entirely too late...and that particular window of opportunity is closing faster than you want to admit, even though you know it. I'm not kidding. Then again...who wants an apology they have to ask for anyway? Just as empty and meaningless as any words can ever be.

OK...next blog the next time something good happens. I wouldn't recommend holding your breath. Thanks to everyone for reading. I love you.